In case you don't already know, I have struggled with severe performance anxiety for as long as I can remember. Performing has always been a love/hate relationship for me. I love feeling connected with an audience; it can be an incredibly powerful experience. However, the anxiety that comes along with being in front of people can make me miserable. Often, when I have an upcoming performance engagement, I find myself looking forward to it being over and behind me at least as much as I feel excited about the opportunity. Yet, for some reason, I keep putting myself out there to go through it all again; I guess because it's not all bad.
I will never forget one experience in particular. I was a middle school student and attending classes at the Atlanta Ballet School. I auditioned for The Nutcracker and was cast as a party child. I was the tallest student cast as a party child, so they had me play a boy, and an only child. I was given a brief "solo" and had the stage all to myself for a few measures of music.
During the overture, I was to run onto the large Fox Theatre stage from the stage left wing, cross upstage right, jump and point excitedly at the "house" (a set piece) in the distance, and then turn and run back to the stage left wing to the dancer playing my mother. I was asked to plead with her as if I was trying to get her to hurry so we could get to Mary and Fritz's house to celebrate Christmas. On my way between the mark where I was to jump and point, and the wing where I was supposed to get my mother, I was directed to act as if I had slipped on the ice. I was to slip, fall, get up, rub my knees as if they were hurting me, and start pestering mom again.
There is probably a way to slip and fall on stage that looks genuine but doesn't hurt, but if there is, I didn't know it at the time. Instead, I was covered in bruises by the time we got through the run. This can partly be attributed to the fact that, as a perfectionist, I wanted to try to make my brief starring moment look as realistic as possible. I was never quite satisfied with my performance so I kept trying new ways to approach the task at hand. One matinee, I finally succeeded.
Somehow, I managed to get enough momentum that when I fell, I actually did slide. Pretty far. Very realistically. In fact, by the time I stopped sliding, I found myself peering over the cavernous depths of the orchestra pit. (I looked it up, that pit is 11'1"at its deepest and now I am wondering if this is when I developed my fear of heights?!)
As I slid closer to the edge, the audience gasped audibly. We all knew I was inches away from falling clear off the stage. It was awesome. Let me clarify. . . I don't recommend putting yourself in danger. Ever. It's not professional. Professionals know how to control their bodies so that they can stay safe. But, I will also never forget how in that moment every person in that theatre was a unit. Everyone gasped at the same time and we all had the same thought, "Is that tall kid going to fall into the orchestra pit?!"
So while it was terrifying to hang over the edge of the stage (and I'm guessing some of the orchestra members were a bit startled as well), the moment itself was also euphoric and magical. And that's the reason I keep coming back. I love to have the opportunity to communicate with an audience. I love to have the opportunity to feel as if I am a part of something bigger than myself. As a later ballet teacher once told my class, "good performances can make an audience laugh or cry; the best ones do both."
I hope you found this article helpful, either because it made you grateful performance anxiety isn't something you have to deal with yourself; or because it helped you feel understood because you do struggle with it just like I do. Either way, please look for us on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube if you would like more information about us, or if you have something you would like to share with us. You are also welcome to contact us at yourmusicprofessor@gmail.com or through our website www.yourmusicprofessor.com
Wishing you safe magical moments that bring you joy and lessen your fears,
Your Music Professor
October 1, 2021
Wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it.❤️